May…

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May…

May was about relationships according the big masterplan and it’s no wonder I kept quiet. I’m a naturally lonely person, I’ve no inclination to always be surrounded by people and noise but the past years even I can see that I went far in cutting people out of my life. And in all honesty, I didn’t do much this month to get them back.

Hence the silence. I couldn’t talk about relationships when all I could do was keep hiding from them. There’s so much I can talk about without doing…

Before you think I’m heartless, I’m not. I care deeply but that also means that I hurt deeply, too. So I protect myself from the pain by hiding away.

I recently realised that lack of unconditional love when I was little came back biting me in the ass*: I cannot believe that anyone can or would want to care for me. Which results in me looking for constant reassurance that people care. No-one is able to provide that kind of reassurance constantly. It’s exhausting. I can see that. In my head.

I’m still looking for it in my heart though. Can’t stop it.

This is a constant struggle between my head and my heart and I didn’t grow strong enough to take this to other people. I was planning to and I have to be fair: the circumstances were less than ideal for me to take this step. But sometimes one needs to take that leap of faith without being sure of the outcome. And I couldn’t do it this month.

If you’ve any good practices to overcome this, I’d love to hear. In any case, I hope you had a great month!

Love,

Andrea

*I wanna make it clear: I’m not blaming my parents, I’m just stating a fact. I know how much shit they had to go through on their own and I know they did their best. But that complete love people talk about when it comes to mothers and fathers? I don’t know what that means.

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5 responses »

  1. Andrea – i’m glad to hear from you. I am so sorry you are hurting, and understand how difficult it is to overcome a lack of unconditional love from one or both parents. No matter how well we understand and forgive, the longing and the void never completely disappear.

    Please don’t give up, and try to remember you have many, many years ahead – time for you to learn to give yourself unconditional love, and time to slowly learn to let others love you. No one can replace parental love, but we can receive and give so many other kinds of love once we learn to give it to ourselves.

    I don’t have any answers or “fixes”. All I can say is recognizing that you will never get that from parents is almost like facing death of a loved one – you have to mourn your loss and move beyond it because it’s the only way to get to a healthy life for yourself.

    Please keep blogging – it is such a supportive community.

    • Hi Sammy, first, I wanna thank you for your kind words. Not just on this occasion but for the many occasions before, I really appreciate you being here!
      What you said about grief and mourning hit a chord, I think you’re right, that’s the best thing I can do. Thank you!

  2. I remember reading in a book that Introverts do like to be alone. They feel like running out of charge when in groups and they feel like recharging while being alone. May be you like being alone, feeling comfortable in aloneness, which I think is fine.

    I and one of my close friend, felt the same that we lacked receiving unconditional love during the childhood and even now.

    Few years back I felt like people doesn’t care for me, eventhough I saw that they did. It took a lot of time to understand certain things for me which I think, might help you. When I was along with my friends during college time, I was dependent on my close friends for certain support. While I was hurt and when needed help, they came to help. But I didn’t like it. Now, I think it is because something deep inside me wanted to be Independent. In another perspective, when someone came to help me, I got a feel like I’m being low/poor/bad/week. When others came to help me I got a feel that they are higher and I’m something lower. That didn’t make me feel better. And unable to understand what it is, I started chasing people away. I hope my points are conveyed clearly to you.

    You can also visit these links for additional reference
    Ref :
    http://theprotostar.wordpress.com/2014/02/19/love-and-aloneness/
    http://theprotostar.wordpress.com/2014/03/14/i-n-f-p/
    http://theprotostar.wordpress.com/2013/11/08/robin-when-he-was-21/
    http://theprotostar.wordpress.com/2014/04/01/dependent-people-need-others-to-get-what-they-want-independent-people-can-get-what-they-want-through-their-own-effort-inter-dependent-people-combine-their-own-efforts-with-the-efforts-of-others-to/

    And i love your blog and i’m a fan of your writings & Insights.
    My wishes for you to bounce back soon.

    Have a great day ahead 🙂

    • Hi Satzie, thank you for leaving these words in reflection my thoughts. It means a lot to know that you went through the same, can’t tell you how similar to that is to what I feel! Yes, me, as everyone needs love and support but I value my “independence” very highly. But nobody can truly be independent – which again, is another recognition in my head but not something I’m able to agree with deep down.
      Great posts you linked in, I’ve only read 2 so far but I’ll be sure to check out the rest!
      Thanks for being here!

      • Good to know that you liked some of those links.

        True Andi, it might not be possible to be 100% independent. We cannot be 100% perfect in any field. But we can be independent on a majority percentage and on a quality basis.

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