May was about relationships according the big masterplan and it’s no wonder I kept quiet. I’m a naturally lonely person, I’ve no inclination to always be surrounded by people and noise but the past years even I can see that I went far in cutting people out of my life. And in all honesty, I didn’t do much this month to get them back.
Hence the silence. I couldn’t talk about relationships when all I could do was keep hiding from them. There’s so much I can talk about without doing…
Before you think I’m heartless, I’m not. I care deeply but that also means that I hurt deeply, too. So I protect myself from the pain by hiding away.
I recently realised that lack of unconditional love when I was little came back biting me in the ass*: I cannot believe that anyone can or would want to care for me. Which results in me looking for constant reassurance that people care. No-one is able to provide that kind of reassurance constantly. It’s exhausting. I can see that. In my head.
I’m still looking for it in my heart though. Can’t stop it.
This is a constant struggle between my head and my heart and I didn’t grow strong enough to take this to other people. I was planning to and I have to be fair: the circumstances were less than ideal for me to take this step. But sometimes one needs to take that leap of faith without being sure of the outcome. And I couldn’t do it this month.
If you’ve any good practices to overcome this, I’d love to hear. In any case, I hope you had a great month!
*I wanna make it clear: I’m not blaming my parents, I’m just stating a fact. I know how much shit they had to go through on their own and I know they did their best. But that complete love people talk about when it comes to mothers and fathers? I don’t know what that means.